Parenting is a heroic activity in which healthy parents make sacrifices and healthy people take responsibility for their actions. In a nutshell, healthy people do not blame and shame. They take time to listen to the perceptions of others and have the ability, even if they disagree, to see the other person’s side and recognize the emotions of others.
A child raised by a narcistic parent(s) will, as an adult, inherently believe they are not good enough. They will question their self-worth and seek validation from external sources. The message that children of narcists get from their parent(s) is that they need to be better. They need to do better to please the narcistic parent. One of the hallmarks of the overachiever’s thinking is that, “If I achieve this, then finally I will be good enough.” The love from a narcissistic parent is conditional. You will be loved if you meet the varies stipulations in the narcissistic parent’s contract and expectations. This kind of parenting creates a tremendous amount of anxiety for the child and lack of independence because they never know if they are “good enough.” They constantly second guess themselves.
The child is the narcissist’s extension of the parent. As a result, the child is not allowed to have their own emotions. They are not allowed to be angry. They need to be the model child or the will be rejected, dismissed, or disowned by the parent.
Narcistic parents use manipulation to control their children. Manipulation has both immediate and long-term consequences for children. Some common forms of manipulation narcistic parents use on their children include the following:
Guilt trip: I have so much for you and you are such an ungrateful child.”
Blaming: “It’s your fault that I’m not happy.” My life would be so much better if you were never born. You ruined my life.”
Shaming: “Your poor performance is an embarrassment to the family.”
Negative comparison: “Why can’t you be as good as your brother?”
Unreasonable pressure: “You WILL perform at your best to make me proud.” After a daughter meets up with her family after college graduation, her father tells her. “Suma Cum Lade would have been nice.” She did graduate with honors by the way.
Manipulative reward and punishment: “If you don’t pursue the college major I chose for you, I will cut off my support.”
Emotional coercion: “You’re not a good daughter/son unless you measure up to my expectations.”
What is more traumatizing to children is that narcistic parents often have “Abuse Amnesia.” Meaning the parent conveniently forget things they have said and done. It is a very selective process, because narcistic parents often remember extreme details related to their positive attributes, qualities, and actions. To protect the fragile ego, narcissistic parents forget the things that make them look bad. If a child brings up a past trauma or hurt, the child will be criticized, dismissed, and disowned. It is the child that needs to do be better and the parent will never take ownership or take responsibility for their actions. Narcistic parents lack self-awareness and the impact that their actions, or lack thereof, have upon their child(ren). The child will be blamed for the family conflict. They will be targeted and attacked.
Narcist’s, in general, have unstable relationships. Often times the individuals does not see the harm they are inflicting. The narcissistic person may literally believe, “There is nothing wrong with me” and blame their victims, in which they garner narcistic supply, admiration, and compliance.
What can the narcissistic child do? First, acknowledge that the child or inner child is suffering. Healthy relationships are supportive and typically narcissistic parents are not capable of providing encouragement. If you have a parent or parents who are narcistic, then you will need to develop skills such as boundary setting and going grey rock in an attempt to preserve your health and well-being. You may even consider going no contact with your parent.
Surround yourself with healthy people. Healthy friends are friends who will focus on you when you need to talk. True friends notice your true feelings and will attend to your needs. True friends will bring you chicken noodle soup when you are sick. Remember, healthy people have a little vulnerability and a little humility. Healthy people take responsibility for their actions.
Taking stock and reflecting about how the current people in your life, including family members, treat you, is important to do. Family members are just people who are wither in your life because of biological, marriage, and blended family relationships. A good question to ask yourself is this, “If my step-mother (fill in family relationship) were not married to my father, is this a person I would keep in my life.” Undoubtedly the answer may be very simple. However, navigating the relationship with other families in relationship to a toxic family member is thorny and challenging.
Take stock of who is in your life. Be careful who you let into your life. Be vigilant.
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